Sigh.

It hurts so much to have your heart broken. Yes, here I go about it again.
I'm a fool. A complete fool. I don't know why I'm stuck here in this moment & can't move on. I hate being in this situation. I'm usuallly quite chirpy & I'm happy...I think. But I'm still heartbroken on the inside and I just don't know what to do!!!!! Help me God. Help me not hurt anymore!!! Help me move on, help me be stronger. I can hear that voice & it'll just tug at my heart. Stupid voice saying annoyingly hurtful things. It'll make me want to cry. But I'll still answer the phone! I'm so stupid! Stupid, stupid S!! Sometimes I want revenge, but that's so unlike me. I know when I feel like that, it's the devil working inside me. Sometimes I want somebody to just understand what I feel like. How much it sucks just feeling like he ripped my heart out, stamped on it, jumped on it, chopped into tiny pieces, sellotaped it together, stuck it back in me & expected it to work again. Sigh. Me is sad :( I need a proper hug so bad! I feel like an awful pathetic love song...

You said you would never hurt me.
You said you would never make me cry.
Well, there’s one thing I can admit.
You tell a perfect lie.

Love is almost like suicide.
You give so much to that special someone,
that you sometimes end up killing yourself inside.

The pain is real even if nobody knows.
I pretend that I’m glad you went away.
These walls are closing more every day
and I’m dying inside.. and nobody knows
it but me. Like a clown, I put on a show.

All I want to do is sleep because it
doesn't hurt when I can't think of you.

I used to smile when I told people
you were mine, but now I can't even
smile and say your name at the same time.

I could really just go on with the rubbish cheesy quotes forever!!!

Life's what happens when you're busy making other plans. But I still believe that everyone should have principles that they stick to in this life. I've been recently re-evaluating my principles 'cuz I thought maybe they were wrong, or too much to ask for. But after a lot of deep thought I've concluded that my self respect is important to me. And any person violating that respect will not have anyting to do with my life. I believe in the integrity of trust & honestly and if someone violates that trust I might even belive in a second chance. But fool me once & shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me! I cannot let anybody walk all over me, over and over again, right? Sigh. Please Lord, show me the way!

I want someone to want me. To love me. To need me. I want that person to respect me. I want them to show me that they love me. Isn't that what you do when you love someone anyway? To express it in words? Is that too much to want...? I'm thinking it isn't. But I just cannot believe when Jess tells me that its okay & that love will come my way. If you'd said that to me when I was 18-19, I would have believed you. At 23, it is a whole different story.

Meh, I'm probably just hormonal. Anyways, I went to the cinema today. It's so good to have my written papers out of they way! Just another OSCE on Monday & I'll be done & ready to spend some quality time with maa.

Thank goodness for orange wednesdays. I saw two movies today. I was really looking forward to Sex and the City, which was awesome! I also saw the new Indiana Jones movie 'cuz my friend does archeology & that was of interest to him. Now that, was an absolutely shite movie. So pointless!!! Don't worry, there's no spoilers in here folks. So you can read on. SATC was a really sweet movie, it wasn't as fast paced as I thought it was going to be, but I liked it just the way it was! Ofcourse the clothes were beautiful, the shoes were to die for! But the part that got me in tears was when Carrie was a little heartbroken as well...I felt so bad for her!! Anyway if I say anything else I might give away valuable plot info, so I'm gonna stop right here.

As you can see, afterwards we got some Nando's. Nothing like a bit of meat to cheer me up I say :) Hahaha! It was the perfect combination. I definately needed a drink with the way I was feeling, and the sangria at Nando's always hits the spot with me. Plus the chicken & the olives were the icing on the cake this evening. Anyhoo, I want to get up early tomorrow to go for a run so its off to bed for me now.

~You're a heartbreaker~

Things get damaged, things get broken. Except its been so long now, I wonder if it'll ever get fixed.
Let me explain...When I had my heart broken for the first time (t'was a cheater) I was young, had been so in love & just felt like I needed to let my emotions out. I guess part of that was putting a little broken heart at the beginning my MSN nick name & hoping and praying that one day I could take it off and replace it with a proper little red heart.
Three years on, its still there & it breaks my heart to see it there. I'm so much older but absolutely none the wiser (and my luck still sucks I guess...). In this moment I feel so heart broken, so squished out of my soul its a little saddening.
Some days I get so jealous watching people hug. Not like those 'Okay I'll see you later' or 'It was so good to see you' hugs. But hugs between people that just love each other so unconditionally, those hugs where you click like two puzzle blocks and you wanna close your eyes and smile 'cuz you feel so loved.
I hate this feeling of being walked all over. I never made the same mistake with anyone twice though, although second chances are worth it sometimes. However, why is it oh God that every man I meet in the end just doesn't respect me. I know all men aren't awful & mean. Some even know how to treat a woman...but why must you make the good one's hide away from me!!! I want to be able to tell someone that I love them and know they really mean it too when they say it back. I can't stop playing my 100 most romantic songs collection! And when I'm done with that its the 36 greatest tear jerkers CD. Ugh! Not helping myself, am I? =) I'm a dodo!!
I'm just _SUCH_ an emotional person. I love to love, to hug people- get & give hugs & I absolutely love my friends. I'm fiercely loyal and loving and it is just the way God made me. Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong to cry if something touches you, and say no to someone when they cross the line. I know what my morals are, I believe in them and stand up for them. Most people's lives are just spent in looking/dressing/talking/being like someone else. I, trust me, am pretty 'special' (in the they-gave-you-the-big-crayons-in-kindergarden type way, my friends will vouch for that :) haha!) and I'm proud of that. Does being different repel love? I mean, is it the fact that people don't like what they see? But the eyes are blind, you must look with your heart!
For now I just take comfort in the fact that some of my closest friends are also having issues, atleast we have each other to fall back on and grow old with if nothing else works out!

When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out.