Doctor-slang.

'Cuz I've been sick for a while (random chest infection thingie) I went back to see my GP today. I couldn't get an appointment with my usual doctor 'cuz he was all booked up, so I saw some other guy. He seemed keen & young...came across very professional you know and he recommended we get some bloods done for me, which I agreed with.

He was filling the form out, ticking what blood tests he wanted me do when his phone rang & he said 'Yes, yes. Come in.' And then this happened. (BTW: MD- my doctor, OD- other doctor {who walks into the consulting room})

*Knock-knock on the door*

MD: Come in!

OD: Hey Bob* just need you to sign a form. (She also gave me a nod & a quick sorry)

MD: *looks at form & signs it*

MD: While you're here, can you help with this patient. (He check's if its okay to talk to her about my symptoms, says he'd like a second opinion with the OD for what bloods to order for me...and I'm okay with that)

OD: (after being updated) Bloods...hmmm, so what's she got?

MD: GORK!

OD: Right...

(I smile)

Me: Great.

(They both look at me)

Me: GORK?

(They look at each other)

Me: It's okay. I'm a medic.

For those of you really confused at the moment, let me explain how medicine works. Not everything is treatable. Not everything is diagnosable. Not every symptom matches up to a particular disease. If, in your lifetime, during the duration of your practice, you see 3 (or more) cases with the identical random symptoms which no one else has been able to identify with a particular disease, or treat, you get to name the condition after yourself. And GORK stands for god only really knows.

There's a whole lot of medical lingo out there, which has absolutely nothing to do with medicine. I currently finished my obsteric rotation & when a baby's born & they have a chromosomal abnormality with characteristic facial features, often among health professionals we use the term FLK. Funny looking kid. We're not being mean or anything, it's just lingo.

Face it. We have really boring lives. 99% of the general public couldn't possibly imagine what a doctor's life is like. The things they see, the things they do, places they've stuck their hands up. So this is the way we have a little fun. Here's some pneumonics I've used/heard/seen written in patients notes/come across. Enjoy!

Faecal encephalopaty/Cranio Rectal symdome: Shit for brains.

SBI: Something bad inside.

5-H 1-T: Shit.

FMPS: Fluff my pillow syndrome. (Attention seeking patient)

Bonehead: Orthopaedic doctor.

KFO: Knock the fucker out. (used when a patient is screaming in pain)

Pumpkin positive: As in you could shine a light in one ear & the whole head would light up.

GOLP: Generalized old lady pains.

Donut of death: The CT scan machine.

Shits & spits: Lab technicians.

WAFTAM: Waste of fucking time & money.

TTFO: Told to fuck off.

PRATFO: Patient reassured and told to fuck off.

Cunts & Runts: The obstetrics & gynae department.

DIIK: Darned if I know!

Circling the drain: About to die.

BMW: Bitch, moan, whine.

Meat hooks: Surgical instruments.

MUP: Made up pain.

UBI: Unexplained beer injury.

DFO: Drunk & fell over.

CBT: Chronic biscuit toxicity. (Really fat patient)
OPD: Obnoxious personality disorder.

TLR: Patient on experimental treatment, Two Legged Rat.

GACP: Gravity assisted concrete poisoning. Jumped from a builing basically.

ETOH: Extremely trashed and hammered.

NQRITH: Not quite right in the head.

Hi 5: HIV positive patient.

Brothel sprouts: Genital warts.

RFSK: Really fucking skinny kid.

DUMP: Patients that nobody wants, so you keep sending him off to another clinic.

Organ recital: A hypochondriac's medical history.

FUPA: Fat upper pussy area.

GOMER: Get out of my emergency room. (Used by ugly nurses who think they own it all)

NOCTOR: Nurse who goes on a 5 day course & acts like a know-it-all doctor.

ESBAM: Eat shit & bark at the moon. (As in, you're not gonna get what you want)

FDSTW: Found dead, stayed that way.

Imaginoscope: Something us students look through when a doctor shows you something on a report but you don't actually see what he's pointing at. Just nod :)

Handbag positive: Old confused lady, just sitting there clutching her handbag.

Guessing tubes: Stethescope.

Road pizza: Patient in road traffic accident with guts splattered out.

The garden: ICU where all the comatose (vegetable) patients are.

OFIG: One foot in the grave.

OFIGATOOS: One foot in the grave, and the other one slipping.

Chrome induced ischaemia: Patient developing pains in chest when being handcuffed.

Scumdex: You give one point for every tattoo, weird piercing, crazy hair cut the patient has. (Scum index)

Tooth to tattoo ratio: To determine how smart the patient is. 20 teeth : 1 tattoo- okay. 6 teeth : 32 tattoo's- not so ok.

TWSAM- Trash will survive and multiply.

NPS: New parent syndrome.

Banana: Patient with jaundice.

CRT: Can't really treat.

JPS injury: Just plain stupid injury. Mostly self induced by a patient lacking common sense.

RT: Room temperature i.e. dead.

Janitor's fracture: Fracture so obvious, a janitor could diagnose it.

APD: Acute prozac deficiency. Basically...depressed.

45C: Patient missing a chromosome. (Dumb idiot)

Choclate hostage: Constipated.

HAIRY PSALMS: Haven't any idea reagarding your patient, send a lot more sample.

D&D: Divorced & desperate. Middle aged woman visiting doctor on a regular basis.

FIT: Fart in transit. (Gas seen on X-ray)

Eiffel (I-fell) Symdrome: Patients explanation for weird object in rectum. I fell on it.

GDA: Gonna die anyway.

OBS: Obviously, bullshit.

HIVI: Husband is a village idiot.

TFTB: Too fat to breathe.

Vitamin M: Morphine.

Vitamin V: Valium.

Pecker checker: Sexual diseases specialist.

Discharged downstairs: Dead & sent to the morgue.

Red dot: Doctors from India. (Red dot on forehead...)